Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Ah, Those Summer Nights. . .

Many TCG readers are elementary school graduates and are thus familiar with the greatest of all post-Labor Day rites: the "What I Did Over My Summer Vacation" report. Unfortunately most Jazzmen are not as forthcoming about their august adventures as is the average seven-year old, so below is a summary of how things went for our boys.

Deron Williams
Let's see. . . D Will played out of his mind in the playoffs, signed a $70 million contract extension, and helped lead Team America to gold in the Olympic
s. Not a bad ninety days. In his spare time he played some golf and sampled China's finest cuisine options, choosing to eat his non-hotel meals in Beijing only at the California Pizza Kitchen and Tony Roma's.

Summer Vacation Rating: 9.5

Restaurant Selection: 1.5 stars

Carlos Boo
Carlos' summer was a bit rougher than his fellow co-captain's. He was abysmal in the playoffs, didn't exactly shoot down rumors that he wants to leave Utah for Miami, and his own college c
oach (!) benched him in the Olympics. On the other hand he didn't stab a blind man in the back (at least as far as we know) or have to sue Prince for painting his house purple/installing beauty salon chairs in the basement.

Summer Vacation Rating: 4
Prince's Sense of Style: Abysmal

Jerry Sloan

There are no confirmed reports on what Sloan did over the summer. Which probably means he spent days on end going to antique shows and riding his John Deere tractor around

Summer Vacation Rating for a Normal Human Being: 1.
Summer Vacation Rating for Jerry Sloan: 8.5

Andrei Kirilenko
Andrei's summer was. . .wait for it. . . inconsistent. He had one game in the Olympics with seventeen points, six steals, and three blocks and one with six points where he shot 10% from the field. One day he was 10-19 from the stripe, another day 4-5. You get the picture.

Summer Vacation Rating: Somewhere between a 3 and an 8, depending on the day

Kyrylo Fesenko

Fes dyed his hair blond, averaged 4.5 points and 2.7 turnovers a game in the Rocky Mountain Revue, and made close to $200,000 in salary. Not a bad summer if you'
re the fourth most popular member of a boy band, but a pretty terrible one if you're a professional basketball player.

Summer Vacation Rating: 2

Larry Miller

The big man spent most of his summer in the hospital where he suffered heart attacks, intestinal bleeding, and kidney failure among a number of other ailments. His missed the c
ontract negotiations with his best player and, as far as we know, didn't play in a single softball game. On the bright side, Karl Malone wiped his mouth for him a few times.

Summer Vacation Rating: -4


Orlando said...

Great post! Love the Sloan rating.

I have a feeling that Fesenko doesn't finish the year as a jazz man. Call it a Crotty Hunch.

Pasty Gangsta said...

Not to toot my own horn here, but I think the real highlight of the post is the link to one of the Backstreet Boys making out with a dolphin in a swimming pool. Wow.

Orlando said...

Agreed, I enjoyed the dolphin photo. But there is a lot to love in this post.