Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Toking the Reefer

My post output has dropped significantly since (1) the NBA draft came and went and (2) bizarre NBA news stories involving pit bulls, weapons, and narcotics seemed to dry up like Lake Powell. But today I hit the motherload: a story about talented rookies and illegal drugs! Success!

ESPN is reporting that Mario Chalmers and Darrel Arthur (two guys I wanted when the Jazz drafted) have been busted for marijuana possession in their hotel room during the NBA Rookie Transition Program. The transition program, for those TCG readers that haven't been drafted, is where a bunch of NBA lawyers teach a bunch of 19-year olds how to get high and NOT end up in the local newspaper. Whoops!

Anyway, you can tell it's almost NBA time because more and more bizarre basketball news is coming down the pipeline. A quick recap of the past two weeks:

- Darius Miles is back in the NBA, and not a moment too soon. Check out the picture of Darius' ride (this is not a joke. Well, it's not a lie, but it is kind of a joke). Darius, as you may recall, is most famous for having signed a contract worth $9 million per year and inventing the weird antenna celebration after a made three-pointer. The Celtics are now rolling with a bench of Darius Miles (acting credit: National Lampoon's Van Wilder), J.R. Giddens (college highlights: stabbed, suspended for being "a bad teammate"), and Bill Walker (towel pee-er). Repeat, anyone?

- The new Oklahoma City franchise is scheduled to name its team today. The franchise's lame, copyrighted ideas include Energy, Wind, Marshalls, Bison, Barons and, the odds-on frontrunner, Thunder. When I become commissioner of sports there will be no teams named "Wind," or any other name that could be confused with an WNBA or MLS team.

- Rumors abound that Golden State's newest millionaire, Monte Ellis, is covering up the cause of his ankle injury that will keep him sidelined for a few months. Apparently there are a lot of scrapes and a ligament tear that are "inconsistent" with a basketball related injury. I wonder what he's trying to hide? My guess is that he secretly owns a motorcycle, or is an avid track cyclist.

- Finally, the most bizarre NBA news of the week: NBA executives are still willing to pay Donyell Marshall money to play basketball! The 76ers trumped their signing of Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala by signing the former above-average Jazzman. I could never figure out if Marshall needed to bulk up, or lose the baby fat. It's like he was always walking the fine line between too thin to play the post and too chubby to fit into a collared shirt. He was the ultimate chubby enigma.


Pasty Gangsta said...

Do you think if we pooled our funds we could come up with enough money we could buy a ticket to the Rookie Transition program? Even better, could they just broadcast it live on MTV?

I would kill to be in the room when a David Stern acolyte explained how to use a condom or opined on the intricacies of common-law marriage ("Here's the deal, gents -- if she lives with you for seven years and then you try to kick her out, she's going to get half.")

Orlando said...

I'm sure that the NBA brings their hippest, streetest lawyers to the event. "Seriously guys, if you're going to light up, make sure that you never have the dope on you. Have your posse take the rap, that's what they're for."

Two shows that MTV/ESPN are missing out on: The Rookie Transition Program Chronicles and The East St. Louis All Stars, where cameras would follow Larry Hughes, Darius Miles, and maybe LaPhonso Ellis.

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