Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Jazz Tats: Brewer Loves JC

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of internet investigative reports on the meaning behind the living artwork that is the Utah Jazz.

Kyle Korver may act like the biggest Jesus freak on the Jazz, by going to church and all, but he definitely doesn't declare his faith to the whole world in the one, true, NBA-sanctioned manner: getting some Jesus ink. In the religious tattoo category, there is no one on the Jazz that can touch Ronnie Brewer. Brewer has an incredible number of tats, and because of their, um, quality, they are nearly impossible to decipher. But I have done my best to give our loyal reader(s) the information they crave.

So, let's begin with the left arm. Or, as Ronnie calls it, The Holy Spirit.
  • First, on his left bicep there is a pair of hands, clasped in prayer, giving praise to....
  • A huge basketball on his shoulder.
  • On the inside of his left forearm is some atrocious design, which, for the life of me, I can't make out. I think it may be a samurai.
  • Underneath the basketball-worshiping hands is a single word that starts with F. I'm going to go with "Faith" but I could be persuaded by "Fame!"
Now, to the right arm. Or, as Ronnie likes to say, My Lord and Savior.
  • Ronnie's right arm was inkless in college. But, as you know, upon signing a rookie contract, all NBA players are eligible to receive a cross tattoo. Ronnie got the executive package and added a thorn to that cross.
  • On his right shoulder he has a blurry blob of a basketball with three unreadable words above it. My suspicion is that the words are "Don't be content." That Golden-Griff-like phrase is Brewer's life motto.
  • But don't be led to believe that Brewer's left arm was wasted on crosses and life mottos. Hell, no!
    For lo, on the inner forearm of the boy Ronnie, was found a permanent skin image that was above all other permanent skin images. Ye, even an image of Jesus Christ with a crown of thorns around his heart. And, upon discovery of that image, there went up in the land a cry of great confusion. And a great commotion came over the land until the Lord was told of the boy's image. Upon hearing of the boy's image, the Lord called forth for the boy. And the boy was brought. And, clutching the boy by the forearm, the Lord commanded him, "Dunketh." - Sloan 4:16


Tucker McCann said...

the best jesus tattoo in the league belongs to Josh Smith of the Hawks, whose Jesus is spinning a basketball on his finger.

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This can't really work, I believe like this.

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