Monday, October 27, 2008

Band of Brothers

As the blessed preseason gives way to the new season, full of hope, promise, and unfulfilled magic, I want to take one last look ahead for the Jazz. Everyone knows that there will be some changes next year. Whether Boozer, Okur, Korver, Collins, etc. are in Salt Lake next year is an open question. Convincing NBA players to stick around in a small city is an art, an art that San Antonio has mastered and Atlanta has not. But free agency isn't always about dollar bills; sometimes its the little things. Remember when Stockton took a pay cut to resign with the Jazz, in exchange for "ice time" for his son (link, scroll to bottom)? He's the original Hockey Dad!

You see, free agency for small market clubs is just like basketball recruiting: you have to pull out all of the stops. In college basketball teams love to pull the hire-the-star-player's-dad-as-coach routine, or the sign-the-crappy-teammate move. You basically waste a scholarship or a coaching slot in order to attract talent. Well, why leave all the fun for the NCAA? The Jazz need to pull out the big guns. That's why I'm calling for the NBA's first sign-the-crappy-brother-to-a-12-day-contract or throw-away-a-worthless-2009-second-round-pick-on-Jazz-kin. Get on this Kevin O'Conner. Our future may depend on it.

  • They say you can never have enough shooters. Well, you can also never have enough Christian teen heartthrobs in Salt Lake. There are a ton of sweet-shooting Korver's playing basketball for a mid-major in the midwest just waiting to hear their names called by the Jazz on draft day. Best of all, they all have cute names that start with K, just like a boy band. There's Klayton, a senior shooting guard at Drake; he's the shy one. And don't forget the outgoing one, Kaleb, a freshman guard at Creighton. Or the funny one, younger brother Kirk whose myspace page lists his weight preference for girls as "not huge."

  • Looking for more interior toughness once Harpring dies? Look no further than Paul Millsap's brother John. John, like his gentlemanly brother, played college ball in Louisiana. Also, John already knows the system since he's played on the Jazz' Rocky Mountain Revue squad as well as the Jazz' D-league team. What does a 12-day cost the Jazz? $20,000? That seems like great value on our investment.

  • OK, I admit it, Boozer is not a saint. He lied to a blind man and reneged on his agreed contract with the Cavs, all just to grab a big pay day from Larry H. But he's not a monster. He wouldn't stab his own brother in the back, would he? Let's find out! If we can convince his brother, a freshman guard at Iowa State, to declare for the draft, we can scoop him up for a measly second round pick. If Boozer is willing to leave his scrawny brother alone in Utah while he is cruising for chicks along Miami Beach, well then good riddance.

  • Now most people aren't too worried about Ronnie Price leaving. He went to school in Utah, he has a defined role on a championship contender, and he's not very valuable. But, if our free agent choices involve resigning Jarron Collins or keeping Ronnie Price happy, which would you choose? That's what I thought. Even more enticing, we could ditch Collins and sign the founder of Daze Streetball who invented a move called the "Texas Tornado" and had changed his name to Konfusion and keep Ronnie happy and ditch Collins! Win-win.


Tucker McCann said...

Boozer's brother's name is "Charles?" Seriously? Charles and Carlos? That is like naming your kids Peter and Pedro, or Tom and Tomas, or John and Juan, or Dean and Diego, or

Pasty Gangsta said...

Crotty, I demand you edit this post to add the most obvious brother combo possibility of all: we sign both Collins twins. This is a) realistic and b) would vastly improve the team.

Orlando said...

1. There are only so many names to choose from. I knew two sisters in high school named "Dolores" and "Sorrowful."

2. We don't need to sign Jason Collins because we don't need do anything to convince Jarron Collins to stick around, other than continuing to tell him (unlike every other NBA team) that he can play NBA basketball.