Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Next Jarron Collins

As this blog has relentlessly chronicled over the past few months, this season represents the last hurrah of Jarron Collins. After a storied seven year NBA career, Jarron is going to hang up the sneakers this year. No word yet on whether there will be ceremonies in visiting arenas as Jarron makes his last visit, but I'm sure the Jazz crowd will give him a warm reception as he leaves the court for the last time.

If you were to listen only to Booner, Pasty Gangster, and Golden Griff, you would come away with the impression that the Jazz would win an NBA championship, if only we would buy-out Collins' contract. Well, I've got news for you Collins naysayers: we need him. Why, you may ask, do we need an undersized center that averages .2 blocks per game? One word: citizenship.

Look, I know of what I speak; I have my citizenship merit badge. If you don't have citizenship you are screwed. And no team loves citizenship like our Utah Jazz. So when Collins retires this year there will be a huge void to fill in the lineup. Who is going to replace him as Citizen Number 1? Some initial thoughts:

  • Lance Allred: Before the web gave birth to this blog, Pasty Gangster claimed that adding the former Leopard/Ute/Wildcat/Stampede/Cavalier in place of Collins would improve the Jazz. Others (myself included) were doubtful of that proposition. Lance's stats with the Cavs suggest that I was right. But what about citizenship? Well, Lance is writing a science fiction novel, and dudes that are into that stuff are normally confined to their basement. There's not a lot of time for community activism and voter registration when you have to come up with names for made-up galaxies and space plants. But, the good news is, he's available. Lance was cut by the Cavs this afternoon.

  • Brevin Knight: the newest Jazzman is a class act with an impressive citizenship resume. He graduated from Stanford, he has foundations that benefit youth education and multiple schlerosis, and he golfs. The only negative is that he was an all-star for two years with Memphis, and as Jarron Collins has proven time and again, you can't be a good citizen and a good basketball player simultaneously; it's one or the other. So, Brevin is out....Oh, wait, I guess Brevin was a member of the "All-Star Reading team," not the NBA All-Star team. Much better.

  • Kosta Koufos: I'm sure this guy's admissions essay at Ohio State was filled with his exploits as a volunteer at soup kitchens and homeless shelters. The DesNews describes him as "preppy and polite," with a dash of goofy. He addresses the media and referees as "sir." In fact, Sloan has already commented on his admiration of Koufos. Why does Jerry like him so much? Because he "doesn't say anything." Ladies and Gentleman, I think we have our winner!

1 comment:

Draft Guru said...'s a necessary component to winning a championship. Couldn't agree more. Here's to Brevin & Jarron!... leading our efforts towards better citizenry, community awareness and service.