Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Great Moments in Utah Hairstyles

The big news out of camp today is that The Cher"noble" Giant, Kyrylo Fesenko, died his hair blonde!!! Truly groundbreaking stuff. While this would seem to be a non-issue in a state in which it is still cool for dudes to have blonde tips, when your coach is a no-fun party pooper it makes for the second most popular Deseret News article. Sloan has a way of winning these battles-of-the-coif and I assume that if Fesenko is on the active roster on opening day he'll have his head shaved.

But that doesn't mean that players from Utah never have stunning, even trend-setting locks. A trip down memory lane, accompanied with a lameness ranking:

Gentlemen Prefer Blonde:
Fesenko is hardly a trendsetter on this Jazz squad: Okur and Kyle have already done the peroxide thing. It works better if you are married to Mrs. Turkey or have post-NBA aspirations of being in a Christian boy band then if you are just some big Ukranian. Also, Kyrylo, that look is seriously so 1999.

Lameness Quotient: 9 out of 10. As Mo Almond said, this look might fly in the Ukraine, or Turkey, or church, but it has no place in the NBA. Bobby Sura notwithstanding.

Ward-ball hero:
If you are a 6'11'' basketball player and you don't like to come inside the three point line, or if you are infamous for crying during practice or playing simcity, it's best not to look like a complete choir boy when playing in the NBA. But, if you are going to flaunt your dorkiness, go all out: you might as well go for the Cherokee Parks look, ala Memo circa 2001, or the pre-balding combover, ala Kirlenko.

___ Lameness Quotient: 7 out of 10. Remember how Cherokee Parks had to become a gothic to get anyone to take him seriously in the NBA? That's what happens when you look like this.

The "Edgy" Look:

These hairstyles are a little closer to what the Jazz need - some edge, some toughness, some realness. Kirilenko needs something that says I-am-not-really-in-control-of-my-rage and his short-lived faux-hawk was about as close as he ever came to that. Deron is all business now, but in high school he rocked the afro puff (bring it back!). And Millsap with the mini-braids? I love it. All of the sudden he loses the gentlemanly manner that he acquired from sitting next to Jarron Collins and becomes a menacing presence.

Lameness Quotient: 3 out of 10. You stick out a little with these 'dos, but its obvious that you mean NBA business.

The Black-Panther-Party Look:

Nirvana. To look as stellar as Gerald Govan did, it takes more than just a fantastically militant afro - it also requires the spectacles of a basketball professor and the physique of Ben Wallace. Obviously to find someone with this look I had to go to the pre-Miller, pre-Sloan era: the Utah Stars, baby. This look would never fly in the Larry Miller regime. Rebounding-machine-meets-social-revolutionary is not what Miller is all about.

Lameness Quotient: Negative 1 out of 10. Even Dr. J's afro couldn't hang with Govan.


Pasty Gangsta said...

Fact: Govan's two nicknames in the NBA were "Go-Go" and "Big Go." I heard that "Go-Go Gadget" was considered but ultimately rejected.

Also, where can I get me one of those old school Stars jerseys with only one shoulder strap? Given my physique, I think that such an outfit would strike fear into the hearts of playground ballers all over the country.

Rich said...

I love the specs. It's as if he's just daring you to take a pop at them. And heaven help you if you did.

There are, however, some glaring omissions in the analysis. What of the Bobby Hanson mini-mullet? Or the thick, curly mane of Kelly Tripucka? Or the Nicholas Cage-like, graceful balding of Marcus Ivaroni or Kent Benson? The Ostertag high-and-tight? We could go on for days...

Orlando said...

Dinner Bel makes some great points. I had to restrict my choices somewhat, so I concentrated on current players. I added the former Utah Star only because his coif was so glorious as to be a beacon to all.

However, a post on the past hairstyles of Jazzmen would be a nice addition.

Amar said...

Hey, great article, and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only jazz fan who finds this whole hair-gate deal to be kinda silly. I "blogged" about the same thing on my blog and linked to your post as well.

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