Thursday, May 29, 2008

Morally Questionable

It's the NBA off-season - time for players to get busted for things like drunk driving and possession of weed (like Joakim Noah did this week) and solicitiation of a prostitue (like Andray Blatche did last year). For an NBA team located in the most conservative state in the U.S., owned by a God-fearing man with horizontal elbows, you'd think that such moral indiscretions from a jazzman would necessitate a quick trade to the Grizzlies. But you'd be wrong. You have to royally screw-up-morally to get kicked off the Jazz. So, for the benefit of the fourteen Jazz players currently under contract, here's a brief summary of the dos and dont's of a Jazz NBA summer.


1. You can get in altercations in Park City, at Harry-Os, with deranged Nuggets fans. Bottles may be broken, garbage cans may be hurled, and players may cut themselves "reaching for a piece of hard candy." Oh, and its OK to tell the police your name is Torey Ellis (like Deron Williams).

2. You can be homosexual, as long as you aren't open about it (like John Amaechi).

3. You can plead no-contest to statutory rape (like Deshawn Stevenson).

4. Hell, you can even impregnate a 13-year old when you're a sophmore in college. You might even get a statue of yourself outside of the arena (like Karl Malone).


There is only one: do not knock up the coach of the local WNBA squad. Actually, it's more than that - don't mess with Larry H.'s cash money.

A brief history: Antoine "Big Dawg" Carr was enjoying an autumnal success to his illustrious career in a jazz uniform until he became smitten with the lovely Denise Taylor, head coach of the Utah Starzz. Ballers became lovers, and soon Mz. Taylor was forced to take maternity leave from her duties on the sidelines. (Note: Mz. Taylor's bio lists her son's name as "Taylor Antoine Carr" - thanks for the shout-out!) Now here's the deal: messing with Nuggets fans at Harry-Os, or being gay, or getting down with a tween ain't no skin off Larry H's back; what does he care? But when you mess with one of his income-streams, look the F' out. Larry H., in a fit of rage over losing the coach of his ailing WNBA franchise, did not sign free-agent Carr - a key piece of a title contender. Larry H. is gangster like that. You touch his stash, and your ass is grass.

So, Mr. Millsap, some advice. If you are going to mess around this summer, use some discretion. Do yourself a favor and get your groove on with someone other than the top saleswoman at Stockton-to-Malone Toyota, or the spokeswoman for the Utah Bees, or the diver at the Mayan.

1 comment:

Pasty Gangsta said...

This is one of the best posts we've had and yet no one has commented on it. I just wanted to be the first to say, "I salute you, 'Morally Questionable.'"